My First Valentine

Today is Valentine's Day, and I am so blessed to have been able to spend it with the love of my life.....my Sabella. But Sabah is not the first "love of my life". Two years ago today, February 14, 2007, I was in a hotel room in Manila, holding the first love of my life, my sweet sweet Aliyah, and crying my eyes out. For it was that day, that I had to hand my "daughter" back to the people who would be taking her back to her birth mother. After spending 5 weeks, raising her, making plans for the future with her, and just LOVING her, the unimaginable happenend, and the birth mother asked for her back.

Now, I won't go into the details of the adoption, as that just isn't important, but I will say it was an independent adoption and not through an adoption agency. I sure learned my lesson and will never try an independent adoption again.

So, Valentine's day will always be a little bitter sweet for me. On this day, I celebrate not only the love that I have for my beautiful daughter Sabah, but the love I had, and still have, for the child that taught me so much about being a mother.....my sweet Aliyah Ann Maganda.....or Ali-Ann as I called her. That last day with her was so heartbreaking and yet so special at the same time. I held her as much as I could, singing to her, and whispering to her how much I loved her and how I would always remember her.

And so, to keep her memory alive, I dedicate this post to her. To keep my promise that I will never forgt her, I choose this day to celebrate her and our time we had together.

This is the letter that I wrote to her a few days after I handed her back:

My dear sweet beautiful daughter Aliyah,
Even though you were my daughter for a short short time, you will forever be my baby daughter in my heart. I will never stop loving you and for as long as I live, I will always and forever remember our precious five weeks we spent together. That five weeks with you in Manila was the highlight of my life. You taught me so much Ali. So many things that I didn't know I needed to know. The gifts you gave me are irreplaceable and for that, this whole experience has been worthwhile. While the pain of losing you is unbearable, I am so very thankful to have known you and loved you, even for a short time.

As my daughter you brought me so much joy and happiness. You gave me the knowledge of what it was like to love so unselfishly and so unconditionally, and that is the most precious gift of all. And though I miss you every single minute of every single day, I count my blessings that I have the ability and the opportunity to love you. For now I know what it is like to be a mother. You taught me how to be a mother Ali, and made me realize that being a mother is the one thing in this world that I want the most. But oh how I wish it was you that I get to be a mother to. Oh how I wish that I had you back in my arms, cradled to my chest, rocking you to sleep and singing you your songs. Oh how my heart aches...truly aches to see your beautiful smile again. To hear your sweet tender giggle. To stare into your beautiful big brown eyes. My arms are empty without you. They had gotten so use to holding you, to bathing you, to rocking you, and to cuddling next to you in the night. They are empty now,....just as my heart is empty.

I miss every single thing about you baby, and oh what I wouldn't give to have you back. Anything Ali....I would give anything. But you are not mine and I have no right to keep you from your real mommy who I know loves you just as much as I do. But know this my angel....I never wanted to let you go that day. Handing you over was the single hardest thing I've ever had to do. How my heart was breaking as I placed you in someone elses arms. How my eyes were streaming with tears as I kissed your sweet cheeks for the last time. And how my spirit died the second they walked out of the room with you as I waived goodbye.

Though you will never remember me, my wish for you is that somehow you will sense that someone out there....someone beyond the family whoe who raised you...loves you unconditionally and prays for you every night. Please know that you have a great purpose in this life and you are truly someone very special. And I hope that oneday, you will know how much happiness and purpose you brought to me.

The fact is though, you may never ever know of me, but I will never ever forget the most amazing and precious five weeks I spent in Manila with the most amazing and precious little girl. My beautiful daughter....Aliyah Ann Maganda. I love you baby. Always and Forever. Love,
Mommy

Two years later, I can remember Ali with a smile and not with tears. Two years later, I finally realize that I HAD to lose Ali in order to bring Sabah into my life. I now consider my self amazingly blessed to have the TWO most amazing daughters ever. Aliyah and Sabah. I love you both my sweet babies. Always and Forever.

And finally, for anyone still reading, here are a few pics of my first Valentine.

Our first vacation together

Last Friday, Sabah and I flew down to L.A. to visit our good friend Mona. Mona is another single momma, who is with my agency (Adoption Avenues), and we had been corresponding with each other for quite a few months before flying out there to meet her. I've said this before, but the second best thing about the adoption process is the friends that are made during the journey (the best thing of course being the child/ren you bring home). Mona is still awaiting her referral, and I can't wait until she gets it. Her little girl and Sabah are going to be great friends (we referr to them as cousins).

We had a great time with Mona. She opened up her home to us completely and we are very grateful for her friendship and kindness. Although the weather wasn't what we had hoped for, we still managed to visit Venice beach, San Juan Capistrano, and of course lots and lots of shopping at all the baby stores. I was also able to meet up with my friend Nancy in Little Ethiopia and we had a wonderful lunch.

Traveling with a baby is definitely harder than traveling by yourself. There is just so much more that you have to think about. But Sabah was a trooper, and of course was the shining star of the weekend. I think she misses all the extra attention she was getting.

Mona's niece, Sarah, took tons of photos of my little princess. The photos attached are those that she took.

I can't wait to get back there and visit when Mona brings her daughter home.

Mommy and Sabah at Tom's Farm. Mona actually took this one...I had to steal it from her blog since my computer wouldn't read the disc she sent home with me with all the pictures she took.

Riding in Style in Little Ethiopia (thanks for letting us use Janissa's stroller Mona)

Her first ride in a swing

Such a pretty smile

Trying one some Funky glasses at Venice Beach

One of MANY MANY kisses from Auntie Mona

Meal Time

Since Sabah has been eating solids, she has been soooo into her food that she just let me shovel it in as fast as I could. No drips, no drools, no spitting, no mess. Nope, she let every single morsel make it into her mouth and there it stayed.

Well, the last week or so she has been showing more interest in her spoon and bowl and less interest in actually getting every last drop. I had been reluctant to let her "help" because, well, because I simply liked not having a mess to clean up. But, I know that she NEEDS to help feed herself....it's part of growing up. So, I had to suck it up and let her help in her feeding. The results are below. It wasn't actually that bad....except when she banged the spoon ,and pureed carrots went flying all over. Also, she's not discovered how to rub it in her hair yet....oh fun that will be when she figures that one out.

Day at the Beach

The last few days here in Portland have been sunny and clear. COLD, but at least it's been sunny. This is how Pacific Northwest residents deal with the rainy weather....God throws in some sunshine every now and then, and we're good for another few weeks.

Yesterday, the weatherman said that the coast was going to be sunny, clear and WARM. I know weathermen get a bad rap sometimes and people don't like to believe them, but I took him for his word and Sabah, Tina and I headed to Seaside for the day. Let me tell you, I have NEVER seen a more perfect day on the Oregon coast....ESPECIALLY in January. The sky was blue, the wind was non-existent, and the air was WARM. We just sat on the beach and fed Sabah her bottle and let the sun just beat down on us. It felt so good. Now we can get through a few more weeks of dreary overcast skies.

Here are a few pics of our day.....Sabah's first trip to the beach.

Ten little fingers and ten little toes

When a child is placed in his or her parents arms for the very first time, whether a biological child or adopted, I think one of the very first things that is done is the fingers and toes are counted. It's almost like a right of passage. I was no different with Sabah. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 little toes on her cute little feet..... and 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11 little fingers on her cute little hands. No, that wasn't a misprint. Little miss Sabah was so special she came with an extra finger on her right hand.



Yesterday, Sabah had very minor surgery to have this extra finger removed. Africans actually consider an extra diget as good luck and a sign of prosperity and a lot of people had mentioned that I should keep it as it is. But the fact was, it was just hanging on her pinky by a very thin stalk, and I was afraid that someday it would get caught on something and rip right off. So, yesterday, my poor little baby was completely anestitized and this cute little extra pinky was snipped off and tied. The whole procedure was super quick, but having your child completely under and watching her wake up was very emotional. As she was coming too, she started crying and the nurse told me I could pick her up. She was sooooo floppy and her eyes rolled back in her head, and all I could do was hug her tight and thank God for giving me this precious blessing. I rocked her for a few minutes and she started to really wake up, and of course WAIL. She hadn't eaten in over 7 ours and she was telling me she was NOT happy. They would only allow me to give her water, and I told the nurse that it would only take her all of two minutes before she figured out there was no formula in her bottle. And, the little stinker proved me right. The nurse then gave her some sugar water and that seemed to appease her for a bit. The nurse said I could give her formula when we got home. Thank goodness we only live 5 minutes from the hospital. We got home, she ate, got some tylenol, had some solids and then went to bed. She slept for 14 hours!!!!! Today she is back to normal.

Her bandaged finger minus the extra pinky

This is all that is left of her 6th finger. A little clump of skin tied off that will fall off soon and leave a tiny tiny bump.

Nicknames

I think all parents must have little nicknames for their children. Some are just shortened versions of their first names. My nephew Elijah is called Eli. Some are just cute pet names. I call Eli "bear". I call Ethan "baby bear". And some nicknames aren't shorter, but actually LONGER than their first names. My sister has recently started calling Ethan "Ethiopia". She use to call him "Ethe" for short, and somehow it turned into "ethiopia". It's actually very cute.

Sabah has an interesting name, and I've been playing around with nicknames I can call her. Of course, I have tried a shortened version: "Sobs" (spelled phoneticallly) and then tried to cute it up with "Sobby", but I'm not thrilled with either of those.

Elijah calls his cousin Sober or Sobers, which is really cute when he does it, but again, I'm not too thrilled with these as nicknames that I can call her.

And Tina's pet name for Sabah is slobers....again, cute when she calls her that, but not something I'm going to label her with.

I finally decided (for now) on two nicknames that I seem to consistently call her. The first is Sabina. There is an Ethiopian song called Saba Sabina and when I was talking to some new Ethiopian friends the other day, they kept calling her Sabina....and it's kind of stuck since then.

The other is Sabella....which is Sabah and Isabella put together.

And now that you read through all my babbling, you are rewarded with photos of my sweet

Sabella.....
She's not crawling yet, but boy is she wanting to. It won't be long now.

Having fun in her jumper



Ummmm, this is just her looking pretty darn cute.



This is her new toy. For all you bargain shoppers...Target is having a killer clearance sale on toys. 75% off. I have her B-day presents and Christmas presents for the next two years and only spent $50.

Her leg muscles are soooo much stronger than when I picked her up in ET. She loves to stand and may be walking before she crawls. :)

My two babies

I found Tanner sleeping in Sabah's crib this afternoon and couldn't pass up the photo opportunity. He stayed in the crib with her for quite a while (I was totally surprised by this as he usually stays far away from her), until he made his escape. I think these two will be good friends (although Tanner would NEVER admit he likes the baby...even though I know he does).

*****EDIT****** Tanner was in the crib by himself. I would never let the cat sleep in the crib with Sabah. Sabah was just about to take a bath when we found Tanner snoozes, so I put her in the crib for the photos (which is why she is just in a diaper....I do normally clothe my child).

Sabah is surprised the cat is still sitting there (so is mommy)

Sabah goes in for the fur pulling

She gets a nice handful and Tanner STILL sticks around

Sabah goes in for a cuddle

Tanner starts to think that this new relationship is not what he signed up for

He starts to make his escape

And he's outta there.....